Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Billy's Best Bottles - Wines for 2006!

Yo Homey's and Wine Wannabees!

It's Christmas time again, and one thing you won't hear your humble Deacon ever sayin' is "Happy Holidays!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? No my friends...your Deacon only says "Merry Christmas!", and he says it joyfully too; no matter how politically incorrect the Babe in Bethlehem may become. And if you gotta problem with that, I got a triangle choke that'll change your attitude in a hurry, Jack!

Now down to business...Your Deacon of the Grape was up late reading the other night; a fairly common occurence at Fresh Manor. And what was the Deacon reading, you may ask? Billy Munnelly's latest and greatest offering, as shown in the attached picture to the right. This book be lurch!

Now many of my loyal followers are aware that as much as the Deacon verbally rips the metaphoric scrotums off the wine-snobs, he will never diss Billy. After all, Mr. Munnelly was my Second and Cut-Man for my fight with Robert Parker in Las Vegas a couple of weeks back (not that he had much work to do, the way I nailed that cracker in Round 1!) In fact, if truth be told, the Deacon sees Billy as a Mentor of sorts. Anyway...Billy's latest book, Billy's Best Bottles Wines for 2006 is available now, and I highly recommend you snag a copy! This is great stuff, and the Deacon draws regularly from Billy's knowledge when planning his own evenings with the Deaconess Fresh. You won't find cracker-jank pecker writing in this book, such as "The effervescent, but ludicrous jamminess approximates the salacious wink of a school marm about to enter menopause". No my friends, you'll get real knowledge for real people about real wine! Are you sick of heading out to the LCBO and shelling out 30 bucks for a bottle of monkey-water? Well this book will point you in the right direction. It's very user-friendly and divides wines according to your mood; not according to some mofo's idea of wine, that just turns out to be foul-tasting, litterbox, ass-clown, cracker, peckermonkey, burp-jive when you get it home and into your glass.

Here's the official skinny on this excellent book:

Everyone needs a little help with wine shopping, especially over the holidays.Wine writer Billy Munnelly has the solution. Spread holiday cheer for only twenty bucks! Take the stress out of choosing wine for the holiday season with 'Billy¹s Best Bottles - Wines for 2006. It's the ideal gift or stocking stuffer for anyone who enjoys wine, or who would like to.
The latest edition of Munnelly's wine buying handbook, 'Billy's Best Bottles - Wines for 2006' is hot off the press. It could be the best twenty dollars you spend this season - on yourself or a fellow wine-lover. 'Billy's Best Bottles - Wines for 2006' is the most user-friendly wine book available. All of Munnelly's picks are easily found in the liquor store - and each wine featured is shown with its label. All wines are classified by MOOD - a novel approach that makes shopping dead-easy for the reader to make the best wine choice for the situation. Half of the selections (there are over 200 this year) cost less than $13, and many cost less than $10.This book is useful to everyone, even the novice, because Munnelly uses everyday language to interpret wine. Besides tips on what to buy, this colourful handbook also contains down-to-earth information about pairing wine and food, planning a party, glassware, and basic do's and don'ts. Munnelly also gives a country-by-country analysis of what's going on in the world of wine and gives straight-ahead answers to many frequently asked questions about wine. With loyal followers coast to coast, Billy's handy guide has become an eagerly anticipated favourite. Munnelly does not try to tell you everything about wine. Just the the bits that are important and useful. "My idea is to get you the best times, not impress you with tons of wine crap."Billy Munnelly has been delivering lighthearted and enlightened wine advice to Canadians for the past twenty-five years. Before taking up drinking full time, the Irish-born bon vivant owned and operated restaurants including the original Rosedale Diner in Toronto and Rundles in Stratford.

So pick up a copy. In fact, pick up a couple of dozen copies as gifts for those special people on your Christmas list! Here's his website so you can order online:

And here's the coolest part: If you tell them the Deacon sent you, and use the Deacon's catch phrase: "You heard me!" you'll get $5.00 off the regular price!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Because you need this book...and so do I!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Thanks Daniel! Now let's hear from the rest of the Ontario Wineries...

Yo Homeys, Homettes, Crackers and Jankbucket Mofos!

If you bin following the Deacon's wrecent writings (Yes, the typo's on purpose, Cracker! It's supposed to be funny.) You know there's been some concern regarding the size of the Ontario grape harvest after 2 particularly piggish winters. I urged our loyal readers to buy VQA wines this Christmas, even if they turn out to be more expensive than imported products, to give our wineries the support they need.
Well this just in:
"Hi Deacon,

I just wanted to get the good word out to you—

Saw your article on the short-crop. One bright spot in the 2005 vintage was the EXCELLENT quality due to the very long season. In our case we were very lucky in another way. We grow 65% of our own fruit and buy the rest from a handful of the best growers in Niagara. These sites are well protected from winter kill as they’re mostly on the various Benchlands or near the lakeshore (it’s warmer in these two places). We also have vineyard fans which pull down warm air from 100 ft up, moderating the temperature in the winter. About 95% of what we make are the varietals Riesling, Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Franc based Meritage blends, Baco Noir and Gamay – all early ripening, winter hardy and quickly becoming Ontario’s specialties. From these few grapes Ontario makes aromatic or full bodied whites, delicate or full flavoured reds, rose, sparkling and dessert wines quite consistently. Because Ontario makes many barrel worthy and age worthy wines we often have an inventory in the pipe (no pun intended) to draw on.

These factors meant that this year Henry of Pelham was fortunate enough to have an 80% crop. We will continue to be 100% VQA Niagara grown and the wines will maintain their usual excellent value for money."

Daniel Speck
Vice President, Sales and Marketing
Henry of Pelham Family Estate Winery
Thanks for the good news, Danno!
Now let's hear from the rest of the Ontario Wineries...
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Because the Truth is Out There...

Henry of Pelham reports earliest Icewine harvest in history!

Greetings All and Sundry:

It seems that despite the frickin early arrival of Jack "Sumbitch" Frost, there may be some good news on the horizon after all...

I just received a bulletin from my homey, the ultra-lurch Daniel Speck at Henry of Pelham Family Estate (which is why many non-lurch, ultra-jank, peckercrackerwood wannabee wine experts read the Deacon's gloriously fearless and inane ramblings regularly). Henry of Pelham is a rapidly rising star on the Deacon's event horizon.
Here's the skinny from Daniel:

"Dear Deacon –

Thought you should be among the first to know that we were out picking icewine in weather cold enough to freeze the balls off a bottle of Brass Monkey last night/this AM.

This is the earliest icewine harvest ever and it snuck up on us. At 4pm yesterday the family was planning to head out for a feast of Miushu Pork (sp?) and honey garlic ribs at St Catharines little known Chinese food Mecca, the appropriately named Dinh Dinh Restaurant and Market. All of a sudden my older Viticulturist brother Matt’s Blackberry started beeping. Our permanent weather station near Vineyard Block 112 reported a sudden temperature drop. It was going to hit at least -8 °C or colder and hold. He checked the grapes and things were keeping their freeze – hard as bullets. The mercury was dropping fast and we needed to mobilize a massive attack. By 5 pm our international crew of Polish, Russian, Chinese and Vietnamese Canadian vineyard specialists were wrapped up in thermal protective gear, ski masks and insulated-rubberized gloves. Special all terrain vehicles equipped with elaborate spotlights to provide night vision were deployed into the field. At the winery specially designed basket-presses on cold-hardy castors were rolled outside under the newly built outdoor press-pad. Two teams were formed. Our Mennonite descended winemaker took the first shift and Burgundian Sandrine took second shift. Joe from China worked his last day playing the extreme sport of the Niagara Icewine harvest before catching the red-eye back to Beijing (and his families winery there).

By midnight the picking was done as a Chinook started to make its way in (still cold but it will be +14 °C by Monday). We pressed all night and watched a Halloween orange sun rise over the westward hump of the Shorthills Bench along the Niagara Escarpment. I didn’t get my Chinese food but I did get a Happy Ending."

Well Danno the Manno: In the immortal words of Yours Truly: Sod the Chinese food! The grapes are in and we're lookin' to some great things from this year's ice-wine industry; especially our friends at Henry of Pelham. As for the rest of you Niagara wineries: Get off your cracker butts and start pickin' some frozen grapes! I'll even help you...I'll drink and appraise the final product.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Too Cool to Freeze

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Pillitteri Estates Winery Wins North America's Only Medal!

DIJON, FRANCE/Niagara-on-the-Lake - Pillitteri Estates Winery is proud to announce it was awarded North America's only medal at this year’s Effervescents du Monde, an international wine competition recognizing the best sparkling wines in the world. Pillitteri won a rare Grand Gold Medal for its 2004 Vidal Sparkling Icewine, the Effervescents du Monde’s highest honour.

Le Castel Culinary School located in Dijon, France, the heart of Burgundy’s premier wine region, was the setting for this prestigious competition on November 17th and 18th. The International Organization of Vine and Wine (OIV) sanctioned competition included 60 international expert judges tasting 335 sparkling wines representing 22 countries. After two days of judging, only 3 Grand Gold Medals were awarded. Pillitteri was the only Canadian winery to receive the distinguished honour of Grand Gold and was the only winery from North America to win a medal. France took the other two Grand Gold medals.

Sparkling Icewine is a new style of Icewine pioneered in Canada currently produced by only three wineries in the world. The "Methode Cuvée Close" sparkling wine vinification technique is employed whereby carbon dioxide from the fermentation is retained in the wine. The result is a decadent, rich sparkling dessert wine full of tropical fruit flavours, with tiny effervescent, vibrant acidity, and luscious sweetness.

“Another prominent award from an esteemed international competition continues to reinforce this innovative style of wine created and mastered in Canada” said Winemaster Sue-Ann Staff. The ‘2002 Ontario Winemaker of the Year’ adds, “Continued excellence and presence with Sparkling Icewine at all international venues will stamp this Canadian’s creation into an acclaimed international wine style”. Pillitteri has won numerous accolades for their Sparkling Icewine further sustaining and strengthening Canada’s image abroad as a producer of high quality wines and ability to compete on the world stage. Pillitteri has brought home seven medals for their Sparkling Icewines at prestigious competitions such as Decanter World Wine Awards (UK), and the International Wine & Spirits Competition (UK).

Pillitteri Estates Winery is a family owned and operated business founded in 1993 situated on 53 acres of vineyards in Niagara-on-the-Lake. Since its short inception the winery has experienced tremendous growth and has established itself as a leader in the industry. It currently exports to 25 countries and is the largest estate producer of Icewine in the world. Pillitteri has won over 400 international and domestic awards, reflecting on the winery’s commitment to producing premium VQA wines.

Congratulations Sue-Ann Staff! You be lurch!

Me and Billy Munnelly will be droppin' in on December 2nd for a tasting! Get ready Homegirl.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Because Wine is a Martial Art

VQA and Christmas Presents

Greetings All and Sundry!

I'm writin' this to alert you to a developing problem. There've been 2 bad winters in Ontario which have decimated the vines in both Niagara and Prince Edward County. In order to survive, wineries are forced to import nasty crackerpecker foreign products and blend them with a small quantity of "Canadian" wine. In the case of Ontario's excellent VQA wines, the wineries are prohibited by law from adulterating the product, but have to raise the price of wine to compensate for smaller crops. (I've written about all of this before, if any of you peckerwoods have actually listened.) So here's the problem: A lot of wine-bibbers are going to the watered-down plonk to save money, or buying entirely foreign wines from both the Old World and the New. Now the Deacon understands the need to cut corners here and there to get by. My readers know, I like the traditional style Burgundies and the heavy-duty, kick in the crotch Shiraz from Down Under. Nevertheless, it's time to support our wineries through this difficult time; especially since the frickin snow is back already! Who knows whether we're headed for another peckerjank winter like the last 2 years? It could be bad. So here's the plan, Stan: When you head out to the LCBO, remember to support our VQA wines by buying wines with the Ontario VQA label, despite the lower price of the foreign product. Our 100% Ontario wines make great Christmas presents, and enable us to experience a consistent rise in the quality of Ontario's best.
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Because I care more than you do

Snow Stalls the Deacon's Winery Tour!

Yo Wassup?

I looked out of the front window of Fresh Manor this AM to discover that winter had come early! Your humble Deacon had appointments to taste the wares of Henry of Pelham and Peninsula Ridge today, but Jack Sumbitch Frost ruined the party! I was gonna head out and meet with Daniel Speck at H of P first and then on to Pen Ridge to visit Jonathon Kuhling, but didn't want to risk the Candy Apple Caddy on the QE sumbitch W with all the mofo crackerwoods who can't drive. My two hosts were very gracious though, and we'll meet up in a week or so.
On a happier note: Many of my loyal Legion of Lurch know that the Deacon teaches British Jiu Jitsu every Wednesday night at a location in the South end of the city. Well last night was no exception, and after practicing chokes and throws with Adam "The Sadist" Sutherland, the Deacon's exceptional student and personal bodyguard, we headed out to the Winchester Arms for a glass of Shiraz. Dave "Peppy" Duhaime and our student Rob "Brainboy" Harvie joined the entourage, as did the dead kid Jonas, who stared in the window. Well anyway, how about Rob presented Adam and I each with an extremely lurch bottle of the Deacon's fave wine, Stratus 2001 Cabernet Franc! It seems that Rob read the Deacon's Stratus review and picked up the last case! Thanks Rob. You definitely be lurch!
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Most Grateful Wine Writer in History

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Deacon Victorious in Vegas! Defeats Robert Parker in First Round!

Las Vegas Nevada - Associated Press November 19th, 2005
Deacon Dr. Fresh has upset Robert "The Nose" Parker in a round one upset to become "His Excellency, Undisputed President Doctor Wine Expert of the World for Life".

Tension had been building for weeks and it all culminated in a Saturday night showdown at the MGM Grand Arena. A record 22,000 were present to see the Main Event, which began just before 10 PM Nevada time. Parker as the reigning Wine Champion of the World entered the arena first. As the Ultimate Fighter Fanfare began, all eyes turned to the ramp. Then Parker's theme music "Summer Wine" by the Corrs started up and the crowd began to boo and jeer. Parker stepped out from the entrance with his entourage, including Robert Mondavi, Hillary Clinton, and his surprise Cut-Man and Second, Teddy Kennedy. Parker looked in good condition and had obviously been training for weeks in preparation for the fight. Kennedy looked rather bleary and had to be disentangled from groping Paris Hilton, who was sitting in the front row. Wearing a Burgundy robe over Chardonnay trunks, Parker wore a fiberglass nose protector instead of a mouth guard.
Then the UFC fanfare began again indicating the Challenger's procession. There had been some speculation by Las Vegas bookmakers that the Deacon would enter to the sounds of Hendrix's Voodoo Child, but when the first guitar notes of AC/DC's Thunderstruck began, the crowd went insane and 20,000 pairs of hands rose in the heavy-metal sign. Fireworks exploded and Security Chief "Bulldog" Chambers in Terminator shades, roared out of the ramp on his Harley on a sheet of flame in a controlled 100 foot wheelstand. The crowd leapt to their feet again to the deafening exhaust roar of the bike's modified 840 horsepower engine. Then the Deacon and his entourage (surrounded by kilted pipers and 20 nude Las Vegas showgirls leading bull terriers on chains) poured from the entrance, wearing purple hoodies with the Legion of Lurch logo on the back. Present among the throng were Adam "The Sadist" Sutherland (the Deacon's bodyguard) as well as Chris "Polish Power" Umiastowski, Dave "Pep" Duhaime, and Jonas, a very pale, dead looking 10 year old boy. The Deacon's Second and Cut-Man Billy Munnelly was smilingly confident and fresh in a shamrock green suit and red cowboy boots as he signed copies of his wine guide for his slathering fans.
The Deacon appeared extremely fit in black shorts, his 164 lbs. welterweight frame covered in AC/DC and Zoso tattoos; a clear contrast to Parker's California tan and overwhelming weight advantage. As the entourage reached the Octagon under LVPD escort, Bulldog pulled a sawed-off shotgun from a holster on his back and sent a blast over the heads of Parker and Kennedy, drawing a round of amused applause from the police honour guard. After the usual words of warning from referee Big John McCarthy the fight began.
Parker came out swinging early, clearly intending to knock the Deacon down and stomp him like Nebbiolo grapes. Instead, he walked straight into the Deacon's super accurate left jab and staggered back. Deacon Dr. Fresh sensed an immediate victory and drove a series of relentless Muay Thai kicks into the lateral femoral nerve on Parker's left thigh. Parker quickly collapsed like a vine succoming to phylloxera and the Deacon began to grapevine his legs in a submission hold. Parker was as slippery as a peeled grape though and rolled out of the leglock. But before he could regain his feet, the Deacon secured Parker's arm and applied a triangle choke and Parker immediately tapped out to avoid inevitable unconsciousness and possible urination.
The crowd went mad again chanting "Deacon" and "Lurch! Lurch! Lurch!" as an enraged Mondavi gesticulated at them, Italian style. UFC President Dana White proclaimed the Deacon "Wine Champion of the Frickin' Universe by submission at 1 minute 14 seconds of the First Round". Deacon Dr. Fresh was magnanimous in victory, stating "Parker was a worthy opponent. He's a tough man and an excellent ambassador for the grape. He just doesn't know how to break a triangle choke, that's all."
Parker and his entourage left quickly and could not be reached for comment.
The Legion of Lurch celebrated well into the night with Veuve Clicquot "La Grand Dame", except for Bulldog who grabbed a case of beer and left immediately for Toronto. He said he was pumped on adrenaline and intended to drive straight through.

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Deacon schmoozes at Gourmet Food & Wine Expo!

Greetings Wine Aficionados, Peckerwoods and Mofos!

Your humble Deacon has returned from the event of the season with much to tell. Me and the Deaconess arrived at the Metro Convention Centre at the opening bell at 2 PM to sample all that the show had to offer, and we weren't disappointed! We stocked up on a couple of hundred tickets and turned ourselves loose on the various booths featuring food and wine galore. (It may be my imagination, but the food didn't seem quite as plentiful this year; something that should be remedied in the next 12 months.) Nevertheless, we loaded up at Oyster Boy with 20 chilled PEI and West Coast raw molluscs and were very happy with the result. These dudes do parties too. You only need to order 100 of the little mofos and Oyster Boy will come to your bordello and provide a mega-lurch evening for you, your homeys, and your entire stable of hoes! Check out: and tell them the Deacon sent you.

We went on to sample numerous wines, olive oils, truffles, kobe beef, etc. Since we stayed for 7 hours, I can only give you the highlights:

  • Visiting Bad Dog Wines which brought to the Deacon's mind, his beloved but deceased bull terrier Lockjaw.
  • Hangin' out with the extremely lurch Daniel Speck of Henry of Pelham Winery. Your Deacon has already commented on their excellent unfiltered 2003 Pinot Noir and was thrilled by their 2002 super-lurch Pinot too. It was very dry and put me in mind of a good roast turkey dinner. Thanks for your hospitality Daniel! The Deacon's got your back.
  • Eating venison at the table of CN Tower's 360 Restaurant under the friendly eye of the lovely and ultra-competant Doris Bradley. That be one lurch fox! (You heard me!)
  • Taste-testing my all-time favourite ice wine by Coyote's Run, whose Jeff Aubry gave the Deacon the best quote of the day: "I find Robert Parker's palate to just be wrong. Damn wrong. I'm glad you're fighting the cracker!"
  • Touring the show and tasting wines under the auspices of Jonathon Kuhling of Peninsula Ridge Estate Winery. Pen Ridge didn't have anything on display at the show, but Jonathon's another great host and I'll be droppin' by the winery Thursday.
  • Matt Loney of Creekside Estate Winery put the Deacon on to a really nice Sauvignon Blanc. It's their 2004 and in general listings for just $12.95. Great value at that price!
  • Bumpin' shoulders with super talent Sue-Ann Staff, the Winemaster at Pillitteri Estates. Check her out online: This lady know's her stuff and is pretty damn lurch to boot!

We ended the day by attending a wonderful 90 minute seminar with everyone's favourite Irishman, Billy Munnelly. The Deaconess commented on how trim and lurch Billy looked in his ultra-mod vertical stripes and he was truly up to form, delivering a down to earth lecture that put all the snobs in their places! His philosophy is truly sane and rational. You won't hear anything like "A lingering wine with hints of briar and cedar waxwing with an almost courtesan shyness that approximates the grip of subtle thorns, peeking out from behind two layers of bandaged pomegranate and an aroma redolant of a poultice." And why not? Because that's mofo jank-bucket talk! Billy divides wine into simple categories that real people can manage. Words like "Fresh and energizing" convey an immediate impression that even the crackerwood mofo monkey peckers in the back row could take back to their trailers. All attendees received a copy of his latest, extremely useful wine guide too. You can order one for yourself and discover the lurchest wines for the most reasonable prices. Here's his website:

All in all, it was a great day. We sampled the wares of Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, France, Italy and California. Nevertheless, it showed us what world contenders some of our Canadian wines are quickly becoming. Your humble Deacon would love to do his own seminar at the 2006 Expo, pairing wine with music in his own inimitable style. He just needs to get in-frickin-vited!

In the meantime, stay lurch. And don't forget to check out

The Deacon's Unabridged Dictionary at:

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Hangover King of the Toronto Wine Scene

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Bulldog Chambers to Handle Deacon's Security!

Yo Wassup People?

This just in:

Noted "motorcycle enthusiast" and local bike gang-leader, Bulldog Chambers has volunteered to oversea the Deacon's extensive security for the upcoming Deacon vs. Robert Parker Wine Fight at the MGM Grand. Those of you who've been payin' attention know this is gonna be one sumbitch bloodbath and will determine once and for all who is the World's Greatest Wine Writer. "I volunteered because the Deacon is The Man" said Bulldog, interviewed by CFRB's John Moore earlier yesterday. "If that sumbitch mofo cracker-monkey tries any foreign-object stuff he's gonna have me to deal with. Obviously, he's never been punched in the face by a 250 pounder" Bulldog continued in a voice rich with warm menace. Bulldog is enroute to Las Vegas on his Harley Davidson as I write this. When asked by Moore why he wouldn't fly he responded "Parker's the type who'd be waiting out in the Mid West with a Stinger missile to bring down my plane. He'll do anything to try to beat the Deacon."

Stay tuned...More as the story develops...

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Protectin' you from the Mofos

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Deacon Descends on Grano Restaurant!

Greetings All and Sundry!

Your Humble Deacon and the Deaconess have just returned from celebrating their friend Jane's 50th birthday with 10 other people. Jane picked Grano at 2035 Yonge Street. At first, your Deacon's hopes were not high, as some of the reviews I'd seen online were unflattering to say the least, with complaints about the service, the wine list and of course the food. But after spending 4 hours in their lovely and quaint surroundings, consuming adequate wine and excellent food I can only surmise the following: The negative reviews were written by jealous mofo jank cracker-monkey peckers who don't know Jack about fine dining! After a round of the Deacon's favourite Veuve Clicquot Champagne, I sampled a glass of the house red, which was a rustic Montepulciano d'Abruzzo. The Deaconess tried an Italian Chardonnay that was a refreshing change from the plywood overdose you get so often these days. Bread arrived first, and 3 olive oils were provided, one of them supplied to or by the Vatican. (I never got it straight) The antipasto was abundant and fresh and the calamari was to die for; especially the dry, lightly floured type. This was served with none of the typical North American jank ketchup dipping sauce that McDonalds will no doubt provide when they start serving McCalamari. Instead, the only accompaniment was fresh wedges of lemon. The Deacon ordered a bottle of the house white from an impressively long list, which fit perfectly with his ravioli with gorgonzola and truffles, and the Deaconess' Sea Bass. The ravioli was truly lurch with just a hint of truffle flavour - at about a billion dollars a pound, what do you expect? The Deaconess is picky. She gave the Sea Bass an average but not great review, as she didn't enjoy battlin' with the skeleton. Dessert consisted of a shared white chocolate raspberry tart that was very good, especially to white chocolate experts like the Deacon. We spent the entire evening in a private room where our witty waiter Tom took good care of us. (He once appeared in a commercial for Big Brothers with the Amazing Kreskin. How frickin weird is that?) Go check out Grano for yourself. Don't go in a rush though. It's not that kind of place. They aren't slow, it's just laid back. All in all, it was a really good meal. For a fun Italian dinner with some friends, this is the place.

Deacon's final score: 8.5

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Bane of Wine Snobs Everywhere

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Deacon To Attend Gourmet Food and Wine Expo!

Yo Wassup?

The buzz is all around, axin' if your Humble Deacon is gonna be at the Gourmet Food and Wine Expo...

Well let me confirm for you: The Deacon will definitely be in attendance! Me and the Deaconess will be making an appearance on Friday and hangin' with the Deacon's homey, wine-writer extraordinaire and cut-man, Billy Munnelly, and doing some totally lurch tastings with Henry of Pelham's Vice President of Sales and Marketing, Daniel Speck. Then its off to Las Vegas Saturday morning for my fight with Robert Parker at the MGM Grand.

Come to the Gourmet Food and Wine Expo and say "Wassup!" to Yours Truly, the toughest, lurchest sumbitch wine-writer on the planet's surface!

You heard me.

Deacon Doctor Fresh

Benefactor of Burgundy, Sultan of Shiraz, Valedictorian of the Vine

Because Wine is a Martial Art...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Jackson-Triggs Gewurztraminer Scores Bigtime!

Greetings All and Sundry!

Tonight your humble Deacon is pontificating about another absolutely amazing Niagara wine: Jackson-Triggs 2004 Proprietors' Reserve Niagara Peninsula Gewurztraminer. I just had a totally lurch dinner, prepared by the Deaconess. We consumed enormous quantities of red Thai curried shrimp (which we can easily afford) with basmati rice, snow peas and coriander. Typically, we would go with an Alsatian Gewurz to augment the intense flavours of a red curry. Well, tonight we decided to go with a local variant, but the Deacon's hopes were not high. Well surprise! Jackson-Triggs has produced a classic Alsatian style Gewurztraminer that is full of lychee nuts and aroma of pink rose petals. It's beautifully refreshing with a classic, slightly oily mouth-feel. It was so perfect with Thai food, that one wonders why one would consume anything else. I say forget the Alsatian and go with the totally lurch Niagara! The red curry was moderately hot, but the Gewurz was not overly sweet and managed to enhance the food perfectly, and being only 12% alcohol it didn't kick the burn too high.
This is damn lurch wine!
Pick some up and thank me and the Deaconess.
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Gewurzmeister of the Grape

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Puff Adders and Wine!

Greetings All and Sundry!

This just in from the Electronic Mailbag:

Yo Deacon: I got a situation here and need The Man's advice! Yesterday my main homey Taco and me headed to San Diego Zoo with Bevalante, Shasta and Ejaculine. We naturally gravitated to the Serpentarium to scare the ladies. Well Taco climbs up on the wall to take a picture of this mega puff adder that was lying sleepy and curled up as the picture shows. Anyway, while he was up on the wall, Bevalante jostles him with her enormous posterior and Taco falls in the cage! All of a sudden, Puff Daddy Adder wakes up and man was that sumbitch mad! Taco reaches into his ankle holster for his 9 mm but Mr. Satan Snake leaps up like Michael Frickin Jordan and bites him right on the E-Reck-Shun! The girls start screamin' and we drag Taco out and rush him to Alvarado Hospital. He starts to swell up in the toilet area (but not in a good way) and Shasta and Ejaculine hit the street and manage to raise nearly 80 bucks for his treatment. Well guess what? The mofo expired last night! Now I got a frickin funeral to deal with on Friday. Which brings us to my question: What's the best wine to serve at the funeral of a homey who died from a snakebite? - Rozeen, San Diego California.

Yo Rozeen! Sorry to hear about Taco, but if he's goofin' with a Puff Adder he's one stupid cracker mofo jankbucket! Fortunately, there's a good wine that will remedy the situation: Go out and buy some Angoves 2002 Red Belly Black South Australian Shiraz. It's named after another nasty snake and if you obey the general rule of 4 bottles per guest per funeral, nobody will give a rip about Taco.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Deacon Brings "Understanding"...

If you're having difficulty understanding the Deacon's rich argot, go to the Deacon's Unabridged Dictionary:

If you're just a jank, mofo, crackerwood peckerjank, go to:

You heard me.


The Lurchest Sommelier of All!

Greetings Boyz and Girlz!

Today your humble Deacon Dr. Fresh is paying homage to Canada's Greatest and arguably Lurchest sommelier:

The Man Himself...

Zoltan Szabo!

Never mind that the dude's got the reputation - Certified through the International Sommelier Guild, a member of the Canadian Association of Professional Sommeliers, voted “Sommelier of the Year” in 2003 by the Toronto Sun. Zoltan finished fifth in Wine International Magazine’s global “Sommelier Challenge” and has recently won Tony Aspler’s Ontario Wine Awards – Riedel Crystal Sommelier Blind Tasting competition. ..Well... he's just won another one:
Deacon Dr. Fresh's Sommelier of the Year! Now don't that put all those cracker, mofo, white bread awards to shame? Zoltan has a nose, palate and epicurious sensitivity that shows "Nosey" Parker up for the wine wannabe he is. And not only is Mr. Szabo lurch in appearance and ability, he's one classy homey! Your Deacon bumped into him quite literally at the Air Canada Platinum Club Wine Tasting Challenge the other day (which the Deacon attended incognito so as not to intimidate the mofos and plebs). Zoltan went out of his way to apologize to yours truly, even though it was clearly the fault of the Deacon's size 14's in his path. Now who else in the wine industry would do that? Only Billy Munnelly as I see it.
So for ability, class and general lurchness, the Deacon salutes Zoltan Szabo, as the rest of you should.
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Guardian of the Greatness of the Grape

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Stratus Winery Again!

The Status of Stratus Cabernet Franc!

Greetings All and Sundry:

My mailbag is fillin' up with questions and kind comments, including an update from the Deacon's favourite winery, Stratus. As many of you who are sober enough to recall will recall, the Deacon wrote an highly favourable review of Stratus Winery and wines that can still be found in the archives of this extremely lurch blog. I wrote a few weeks back of my visit to Stratus and how I was literally blown away by the high-end surroundings and attentive staff that were only surpassed by genius winemaker J.L. Groux's incredible wines. You want a definition? Stratus is lurch!

In that article, your humble Deacon of the Grape waxed poetic about Stratus' amazing 2001 Cabernet Franc! As many of my loyal readers know, the Deacon is highly enamoured of Cabernet Franc, which often gets bypassed like an ugly ho by the mofos and cracker-heads who are so addicted to extraction-rich Cabernet Sauvignon that they miss the charm of its legitimate daddy-grape.

Here's what I said about Stratus 2001 Cab Franc:

This luscious red is everything a Cab Franc should be. It's layered with warmth, sweet bell-peppers, a hint of the forest floor, touches of thuja and mouth-filling berries. I can't imagine what this would be like decanted for an hour. The tannins are firm but unobtrusive, and show wonderful aging potential, although the wine would go great right now with barbecued lamb skewers. I think it ran me about 32 bucks and will prove to be worth every damn cent! It's probably the best Cab Franc I've ever tried.

Suzanne Janke, Director of Hospitality and Retail at Stratus winery just gave me this update:

"Hello Deacon Dr. Fresh:

I just thought that you would be interested to know that we are down to the last five cases of Cabernet Franc, 2001 but that the 2002 will be released through Vintages this December. They will only have 28 cases for the province, but it might be of interest to some of the folks you got wound up about the wine!"

So climb aboard, my oenophilic friends. Order some of the 2001 while you still can. And don't miss the next crop of this fine Cab Franc, coming soon to a Vintages near you!

Here's the Stratus URL:

Do not miss this spectacular red! Based on the 2001, I have high hopes for the 2002 as well!Make sure you check back soon for the Deacon's Best Picks of 2005. Remember too my Wine Fight with Robert "Nosey" Parker coming up on November 19th!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

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