Deacon Victorious in Vegas! Defeats Robert Parker in First Round!

Las Vegas Nevada - Associated Press November 19th, 2005
Deacon Dr. Fresh has upset Robert "The Nose" Parker in a round one upset to become "His Excellency, Undisputed President Doctor Wine Expert of the World for Life".

Tension had been building for weeks and it all culminated in a Saturday night showdown at the MGM Grand Arena. A record 22,000 were present to see the Main Event, which began just before 10 PM Nevada time. Parker as the reigning Wine Champion of the World entered the arena first. As the Ultimate Fighter Fanfare began, all eyes turned to the ramp. Then Parker's theme music "Summer Wine" by the Corrs started up and the crowd began to boo and jeer. Parker stepped out from the entrance with his entourage, including Robert Mondavi, Hillary Clinton, and his surprise Cut-Man and Second, Teddy Kennedy. Parker looked in good condition and had obviously been training for weeks in preparation for the fight. Kennedy looked rather bleary and had to be disentangled from groping Paris Hilton, who was sitting in the front row. Wearing a Burgundy robe over Chardonnay trunks, Parker wore a fiberglass nose protector instead of a mouth guard.

Then the UFC fanfare began again indicating the Challenger's procession. There had been some speculation by Las Vegas bookmakers that the Deacon would enter to the sounds of Hendrix's Voodoo Child, but when the first guitar notes of AC/DC's Thunderstruck began, the crowd went insane and 20,000 pairs of hands rose in the heavy-metal sign. Fireworks exploded and Security Chief "Bulldog" Chambers in Terminator shades, roared out of the ramp on his Harley on a sheet of flame in a controlled 100 foot wheelstand. The crowd leapt to their feet again to the deafening exhaust roar of the bike's modified 840 horsepower engine. Then the Deacon and his entourage (surrounded by kilted pipers and 20 nude Las Vegas showgirls leading bull terriers on chains) poured from the entrance, wearing purple hoodies with the Legion of Lurch logo on the back. Present among the throng were Adam "The Sadist" Sutherland (the Deacon's bodyguard) as well as Chris "Polish Power" Umiastowski, Dave "Pep" Duhaime, and Jonas, a very pale, dead looking 10 year old boy. The Deacon's Second and Cut-Man Billy Munnelly was smilingly confident and fresh in a shamrock green suit and red cowboy boots as he signed copies of his wine guide for his slathering fans.

The Deacon appeared extremely fit in black shorts, his 164 lbs. welterweight frame covered in AC/DC and Zoso tattoos; a clear contrast to Parker's California tan and overwhelming weight advantage. As the entourage reached the Octagon under LVPD escort, Bulldog pulled a sawed-off shotgun from a holster on his back and sent a blast over the heads of Parker and Kennedy, drawing a round of amused applause from the police honour guard. After the usual words of warning from referee Big John McCarthy the fight began.

Parker came out swinging early, clearly intending to knock the Deacon down and stomp him like Nebbiolo grapes. Instead, he walked straight into the Deacon's super accurate left jab and staggered back. Deacon Dr. Fresh sensed an immediate victory and drove a series of relentless Muay Thai kicks into the lateral femoral nerve on Parker's left thigh. Parker quickly collapsed like a vine succoming to phylloxera and the Deacon began to grapevine his legs in a submission hold. Parker was as slippery as a peeled grape though and rolled out of the leglock. But before he could regain his feet, the Deacon secured Parker's arm and applied a triangle choke and Parker immediately tapped out to avoid inevitable unconsciousness and possible urination.

The crowd went mad again chanting "Deacon" and "Lurch! Lurch! Lurch!" as an enraged Mondavi gesticulated at them, Italian style. UFC President Dana White proclaimed the Deacon "Wine Champion of the Frickin' Universe by submission at 1 minute 14 seconds of the First Round". Deacon Dr. Fresh was magnanimous in victory, stating "Parker was a worthy opponent. He's a tough man and an excellent ambassador for the grape. He just doesn't know how to break a triangle choke, that's all."

Parker and his entourage left quickly and could not be reached for comment.

The Legion of Lurch celebrated well into the night with Veuve Clicquot "La Grand Dame", except for Bulldog who grabbed a case of beer and left immediately for Toronto. He said he was pumped on adrenaline and intended to drive straight through.