The Deacon and Brutus declare "Viva Balsam!!!"

Yo Foodies, Omelet heads and Toast Addicts!

I be back! And if you're wondering who the serious white boy in the picture is, it's The Man Himself, Don Velouche Brutus. Now this is an overdue posting, but a highly significant one.

But first, the usual brilliant rant:

Greetings to all my frenz and fanz, and a particularly sallow "Bite my entire staff!" to the moronic mob of morons who sit around moroning like morons and don't even realize what morons they are.

So anyway, your humble Deacon and Deaconess were recently wined and dined by Don Velouche Brutus and his consort, Kathryn the Great, in honour of your Deacon's birthday. Brutus being a noted oenophile and amateur food critic, his invitation to Balsam was particularly interesting in light of a fairly recent and devastating "review" of said establishment by noted Professional Restaurant Criticaster, Amy Pataki. The review in question bore such a pale verisimilitude to our experience with the restaurant, that one wonders if the term "review" should be replaced by "ass clown hatchet job". So on the night in question, we took the Black Rolls out of mothballs and picked up the generous couple and in a matter of minutes, arrived at Balsam in the trendy Beach/Beaches area of Canada's finest city. Brutus had brought a couple of BYO bottles of wine with him, including a particularly lurch Stratus Cab Franc, and we were soon ensconced in a cozy table and friendly staff and patrons with nary an ass clown in sight or on site.

Now this is a very cool little place. It seats around 30 people and the food has a distinctly Mediterranean flavour. I had the surf and turf, and if you're an Ass Clown Food Criticaster, you probably expect something like you'd get at the Keg. But this was no 20 oz Porterhouse and Lobster tail surf and turf. Think small quantities and amazing quality; some braised beef ravioli with a couple of flawlessly cooked scallops on top. Newsflash! It's the sort of portion you'll get in Paris and is not meant to be wolfed down. The salad was incredible and the service, more than up to scratch. The desserts are actually a family secret and we sampled some of the most melt-in-the-mouth cookies we've ever tasted. Part of the mandate is to provide smaller plates that the table can experience as a group. Other items include jerk quail with caramelized banana and Mango Gastrique, and pan seared crab cake with spiked sour cream and citrus corn sauce! Genius Chef Nick Drake manages to create his culinary wonders in a tiny kitchen and is readily available for questions and comments. Main man David Salter who earned his stripes at Oliver Bonancini is highly attentive, keeps things moving and makes sure his patrons want for nothing. If you're just down for a snack and a drink, you can hang at the bar, and the patio's open in warm weather. Situated at Queen East and Balsam Avenue (coincidence?), it's dressy casual and also open on Sunday!

Seriously, homeys - we loved our dinner and the ambiance is very cosy. The Deaconess and Kathryn the Great loved their dinners too, and were less strident than usual, which was a huge plus. The only improvement I can recommend for Balsam would be a box of lawn darts at each table that you can throw at any Ass Clowns who try to cross the thresh hold and ventilate their personal inadequacies via scathing and vituperative "reviews".

I think Balsam is the Beach/Beaches best kept secret. Y'all check it out. Tell David the Deacon sent you. He'll treat you well.

I'm givin' Balsam 5 Frickin' Starz!!!

A huge thanks to Don Velouche Brutus and Kathryn the Great for a spectacular birthday dinner!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Protectin' my homeys from Ass Clowns and Criticasters...

iYellow Wine Club visits the Black Freighter!

Happy Spring, Children of the Vine!

The frickin' snow's finally decided to eff off and the warm sun has returned at last. And with the return of warmth, a woman's heart turns to romance, and a man's mind turns to Boppin' in the Beater!

...and speaking of Boppin' in the Beater, which we are, I gots a really kool interview for y'all with the Deacon's Fave Beater Boppin' Babe of 2008: Italian Foxette, Ange Aiello!

Now I know if you're anything like me, as soon as you think "Italian" your mind turns to other things...but this is a wine blog, so I won't even mention any of the fascinating cultural additions that Italy's given us, like Ferraris, Michelangelo, pizza, vumpio, thrustio, trains that run ontime, and rotting bodies weighted with bricks in plastic bags at the bottom of Lake Ontario with the teeth smashed in and the fingerprints sliced off...

But first the usual rant that so many of you tune in for...

Greetings Boyz and Girlz, and special Yo Wassups to Kirkland Lake's Charlie "Chuck" Waggon, Sir Tony Aspler, Jono Kuhling, John Maxwell, Billy Munnelly, Sadie Darby, and a host of other gracious fanz of the Deacon!

And a hearty "Blow my bagpipe" to all you feather dusting, flag waving, Earth Hour obeying, propagandized, boardwalk strollin', always texting, moronized DIX who give your kids stupid names like Chardonnay and Thaddeus, and sit around moroning in the Bozone, and who've read my blog for years but still sit there with blank expressions and twiddle your thumbs!

Avast peckers! Let the story commence!

It was a sunny day in Pizzaville when the Young Professionals, Ange Aiello and her partner in wine, Paxton Allewell stepped out of their limousine at Queen's Quay and strode up the gangplank of the Black Freighter. Pep frisked them for weapons and wires and went back to his usual spot on the helicopter pad and resumed polishing his blackjack collection and splitting cornflakes with a razorblade. It was warmer than we'd gotten used to, so Paxton and I raised the black silk sails and we slipped smoothly out of our berth next to Captain John's Seafood Restaurant, and headed toward Ward's Island with Adam "The Sadist" Sutherland at the tiller. The brisk breeze was refreshing, and the sun was already over the yard-arm, so I served up a round of Deacon cocktails, which are birdbath sized martini glasses, swirled with Havana Bay Rum and then filled with ice-cold Cave Spring Riesling, and then topped with a few grains of lemon zest.

It was actually a pretty cool discussion. Ange does most of the talking; Paxton adding the odd comment when needed, as your Deacon threw in the usual hilarious lines that largely slipped under the radar.

iYellow Wine Club came into being a couple of years back, when Ange and Paxton, who met in university, decided to fill a niche in the wine industry by providing a wine education / social event service to young professionals, the same way your humble Deacon provides a wine service to society's bottom-feeders, gangstas, pirates and psychotic martial arts freaks. Since then, they've gone on to provide fantastic bus tours to wine country, along with tastings and seminars, in an unpretentious manner - although I think Billy Munnelly owns the word "unpretentious"... Beginning with only 250 members, they've attracted a couple of thousand newbies and show no signs of slowing down. What began as a hobby has become a full-time career move. The thing that makes iYellow Wine Club interesting to many, is that fact that it's free. As a member, you get all the updates about upcoming tours, like their Green Wine Tour. Now I know a lot of my readers will immediately be going "Wha...?" but it isn't some kind of late St. Patrick's Day event. It's a tour of organic winemaking, including stops at Flat Rock, Tawse, and the tiny but beautiful FrogPondFarm. You jump on a bus with about 30 other crackers and Ange and Paxton bring you up to speed on all you're sampling. Now the tours aren't free, but they're very reasonable, and based on how quickly the club's growing, iYellow's doing something right! There are lots of other tours too, including a Celebrity Wine Tour which will be happening in May. You'll get to check out the wines of Mike Weir, Wayne Gretsky and Dan Akroyd, although you don't get to go into their houses and snoop through their closets. They also do Naked Wine Tastings...but you'll have to check with them on that one...

Here's a recent story on Ange and Pax on CBC. Check it out. Also be sure you check out their website and join the club! You'll find out there's more to clubbing then waiting in line outside a bar or crackin' some moron over the head with an ASP tactical baton. There's a whole world of wine out there to explore, and the iYellow Wine Club will be happy to show it to you!

Here's their website. Tell them the Deacon sent you, and they'll give you a free membership. (Yes, I'm a comic genius!)

The wind died down on the leeward side of Ward's Island and we dropped the sails and engaged the twin 500 horsepower Pratt and Whitney turbines and pulling hard to port, headed back north. I asked Ange and Paxton who they'd fight in the Octagon. They seemed puzzled at first, but finally decided they'd like to fight...
each other....Calling Dr. Freud!!!

So thanks to the iYellow Wine Club for the interview. Ange and Paxton will be hosting the 2008 Ontario Wine Awards in Niagara on the Lake, and tickets are still available! Y'all go check them out.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Always supportin' the homeys...

The Deacon Visits Keswick!!!

Greetings my dear friends. What a great experience this has been! After a number of humourless readers complained that I was constantly "trashing Keswick", I decided to check it out for myself, and had to admit I was wrong...Keswick is NOT a dull, cultureless wasteland. It's actually a thriving cosmopolitan mini-city, with no need to interact with the outside world at all.

Mayor John-David "Rick" Jeeter, seen in the photo with the Keswick District Health Officer and the World Junior Snowmobile Jump Champion, took me for a spin around the mini-city on the official Mayoral vehicle: an all-weather, curb climbing, luxury snowmobile, for a whirlwind tour of educational fun and thrills!

Here's what I learned:

Far from being cultureless, Keswick has its share of celebrities. Noted actor and comedian, Jim Carrey temporarily lived in a trailer in Jackson's Point, only a short drive from Keswick. Glen Toulin, the brilliant jew's harp and musical saw player once lived in Keswick for an entire summer, and 2 time Southern Ontario Crokinole Champion, the late Dave Ellings lived near Keswick all his life. The mini-city is very picturesque, with a marsh, a snowmobile parts dealer and a Seven Eleven that stocks everything you need, from white bread to dew-worms and snowmobile parts. Every winter, from October to May, the second largest snowmobile picnic in the world takes place out on Cooke's Bay. Only Kirkland Lake has a larger one! Here, local mechanics and parts dealers drink beer and tell hilarious stories about people crashing through the ice and washing up on the beach in June. There is a prize for the best decorated snowmobile, and the locals drink the favourite Keswick cocktail: hot chocolate and beer! If you've never had a hot cup of this gut warming potion, try it with a fresh chunk of bass on a slice of white bread. Then head up to the Stephen Leacock Theatre, which is being bulldozed to make room for the Dave Ellings Crokinole Arena. It's easy to find - just follow the line of make-shift snowmobile crash crucifixes and head north! And make sure you stick around for the Canadian Ice Fishing Championships!

Keswick also has a library, although it's technically in Jackson's Point. It's open every Wednesday, rain or shine, and here you can borrow perennial favourites, like The Dummy's Guide to Ski-doos or The Idiot's Guide to Snowmobile Crashes. Keswick's thriving nightlife is something you have to see to believe! His Worship took me for a ride down the Main Street sidewalk where we played "Scare the Senior" and then it was off to the late night butcher's shop to watch the new meat slicer in action. She's a lovely girl. Saturday mornings are spent recovering from Friday night's snowmobile crash, or simply polishing the Polaris with an appropriate wax from Canadian Tire. The big entertainment on Sunday is watching the traffic lights change. (It happens at noon, if you don't want to miss it.) The Keswick Congregational Church holds outdoor services all year, so you don't even have to climb off your all terrain vehicle or Snowjet!

Here are some fascinating Keswick facts:

Did you know...

• Mary Dales at 82 is the oldest person in Keswick?
• One of the houses in town is thought (by some) to be haunted?
• More hot chocolate and beer is consumed per capita in Keswick than any comparable city?
• There are an estimated 60 tons of snowmobiles on the bottom of Cooke's Bay?
• Keswick has the highest person to book ratio on the planet?
  
• The official game of Keswick is not ice hockey, but crokinole?
• The Keswick Snow Collision Hospital has a first rate Testicle Trauma Ward?
• Although Keswick is known primarily for "snowmobiles on the sidewalk", 87% of Keswickians own Jet Skis too?
  

As we roared East on Morton Avenue, leaving the frozen wasteland of Cooke's Bay behind, I could hear the gunning of engines and the occasional impact and stifled scream as the good folk of Keswick celebrated the beginning of the weekend, well into the early evening.

"It's a great town, Your Worship" I said to Mayor John-David "Rick" Jeeter, as I cradled the commemorative Dave Ellings Crokinole Set I'd been presented with at the Seven Eleven / Mayor's Office.

"No Deacon. It's a thriving cosmopolitan mini-city" he responded. I dismounted the luxurious, air conditioned, Arctic Cat Icebuster and stared across the bay where the bright headlight glare of the bulldozers indicated the razing of the Stephen Leacock Theatre had begun.

A thriving cosmopolitan mini-city?

Damn right it is.

So visit Keswick. Come for the morning and stay all afternoon. Come for the crokinole and stay for the five pin bowling. Keswick's open all year round, and it never sleeps...
And make sure you grab a mug of hot chocolate and beer, and a slice of bass on white sandwich bread. Tell them the Deacon sent you.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Supporting thriving cosmopolitan mini-cities everywhere

Creekside Rox the Deacon!

Good morning Boyz and Girlz!

Your Deacon here, with a much delayed article about one of my all time faves: Creekside Estate Winery!

The dudes in the picture are the Dynamic Duo of Ontario wine, namely Rob Power (standing) and Craig McDonald (drinking). But before we continue...

Hello to my millions of fanz from Greece to Colorado, you are loved! And of course, a special greeting to all you...wait for it...this is going to be a good rant...

All you Blackberry thumbing, Axe spraying, Bill Gates worshipping, Africa vaccinating, coffin saluting, Adirondack hiking, red meat, colon encrusted, DIX out there:

Exfoliate my Victory Garden!!!

Wow! That was excellent. And highly cathartic too...

So let's talk about Creekside...By now, my lurchest fanz have realized that I cannot be frickin' bought. Your humble Deacon only supports wines and wineries that he believes in. I go out of my way to not diss people; although I'm not above neck-cranking them if they realllllllllly bug me. My strongest criticism is...silence. If I don't like something, I just ignore it - like a certain winery that would love to have the Deacon support the rooster juice they call wine; they want my imprimateur, but it ain't gonna happen... So in the past, I've written up the fine wines of Coyote's Run, Henry of Pelham, Cave Spring, Colio, Norman Hardie, Huff, Stratus, Penninsula Ridge, etc., because they all do a great job and make highly lurch products.

And Creekside fits securely in the lurch product aisle
.
What y'all got with Rob and Craig, is a highly effective team that brings diverse ("different" for those of you in Keswick) skills to the table. Former sommelier and Ontario boy, Rob, graduated from the first class at Brock University's Cool Climate Oenology and Viticulture Institute. Our local gunslinger is joined by the Wizard of Oz, Craig, who has worked at 9 different wineries around the globe. Now your Deacon has a lot of boisterous Australian friends, but Craig's the laid-back type, and isn't necessarily going to call you gay, just because you own a vacuum cleaner or occasionally help out with the dishes.

But the wines...

It was my mentor, Billy Munnelly who introduced me to Rob and Craig as well as marketing wizard, Matt Loney, a couple of years back, and believe me, Creekside makes some fabulous stuff! Some of you will remember that I've been on a rant for sometime about how Shiraz will never do well in Ontario unless someone moves the earth closer to the sun, because Shiraz needs a lot of sunlight to develop fully.

Well...I was wrong! But as usual, I admit to being wrong, which is always the right thing to do. So if you really think about it, that kind of makes me right after all, so get off my case and bite my wand!

Creekside has made some Shiraz that's mindblowing! I don't know how they do it, and I aint axin', but one sip will convince you. Remember, this is a premium product. The 2005 Broken Press Shiraz is just incredible! The boyz use the time-honoured method of adding a splash of Viognier, which despite being a white grape, actually makes the wine darker and inkier. All the grapes come from their own vineyards at St. David's Bench. This'll run you just over 30 bucks, but it's worth every penny, and is the perfect bottle to impress that hot ho, so you can take her home for some boppin' in the beater! Zoltan gave it 4 1/2 stars out of 5, and that Hungarian knows his frickin' wine. Watch too for the 2006 Shiraz. Your Deacon hasn't tried it yet, but I've got every reason to believe it will be another killer.

Another really lurch wine is Laura's Blend White. This is a mix of 6 white grapes, including Riesling, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Viognier and Muscat. The result is wonderfully startling! There are layers upon layers of complexity and flavours both local and tropical. They've just kissed it with oak too, instead of knockin' it dead with a sheet of frickin' plywood. This will run you about 18 bucks and deserves to be checked out. Typically, only Stratus' J.L. Groulx shows this kind of creativity, but Rob and Craig have stepped up to the plate and hit it out of the frickin' park!

I could go on and on about this exceptional boutique winery, but you need to check it out yourself. You can visit their website and online store by clicking here. Y'all tell them the Deacon sent you, and say yo wassup, to my homey Matt Loney. He'll take good care of y'all.

Congratulations Creekside, and thanks for keepin' it real.

Your Deacon has your back...

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Occasionally vacuuming, but not gay

The Deacon Samples Some Lurch Lindemans Whites!

Happy January! Yes, dear friends, I be back again!

...and of course, all the rest of you thumb-suckin', goblin fleeing, data-transferring, scrotal fever blisters can officially bite my wand.

It's gonna be a great year for wine, and I wanna start the annum off nice and easy with a review of a couple of bottles of white wine I've enjoyed recently. Now of course some of you have already tuned me out, because you "only drink red wine". I'm sure you do...but have you asked yourself why you "only drink red wine"? If you really think this through, I think you'll discover that the primary reason for this is quite simple: You're a DIK! You are missing out on some great wines that just have to be consumed in the right context for you to enjoy them every bit as much as your heavy-hitting reds.

When I started studying the Munnelly methods of wine drinking, it quickly became apparent that white wine served a valuable purpose in the overall scheme of life. There's really nothing like a clean and fresh glass or two of the clear stuff to get your evening started, or tune up your appetite for the dinner that follows.

So...Here are a couple of white wines that I think you'll find to be very lurch:

Lindemans Bin 85 Pinot Grigio This Australian is described as having tropical fruit characters and guava notes. Now I'm a gourmand, not a gourmet, and I wouldn't know guava from guano. But here's what I do know: This is a really refreshing wine for just before a big honkin' meal! It has an unusual characteristic, insofar as there's a very slight but quite pleasant bitterness in the finish. It's almost a little herbaceous bite, and I find that it gets the digestive juices going and makes me hungry for some substantial food. Another thing I like about it is the total absence of frickin tree flavours! That's right...there's no oak, and it's nice to let the grapes speak for themselves for a change. My millions of regular readers know that your humble Deacon loves oak, but sometimes there's so much, it approaches the taste of plywood and this is a nice break from the lumberyard. The great thing is the price. This wine delivers value at only $11.25 which includes all usual fees the LCBastardO adds.

Next is another Lindemans wine that really grabbed me by the pouch! I'm talkin' about the Bin 95 Sauvignon Blanc! Now I know a lot of you peckers out there are martini freaks, because you're told by the media-moron glans heads who control your brain that you're supposed to like martinis, even though they taste like Ronson lighter fluid smells. Well break out of the mould, Jack! Be an individual and pour yourself a glass of this Sauvignon Blanc as a Deacon Dr. Fresh Martini Substitute. This vibey white gives a nice little electric jolt of energy that will get the conversation flowing in no time! Try it with some herbed chicken too, and make sure you drink it really cold to bring out the electrons...Once again, it's well worth the price. Just like the Pinot Grigio, it's great value: only $11.40, even after the LCBMafiaOsos have taken their cut.

So check one of them out! Or even better, buy them both. You'll thank me, just as I am thanking me.

More Aussie reviews coming soon...

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Backin' the boyz Down Under

The Deacon, the Distillery District, and Jack the Ripper!

Transcript of the Sworn Testimony of one

Deacon Dr. Fresh AKA " The Deacon"

given at Toronto Police Service - 51 Division
11:58 PM, Wednesday November 28th, 2007

(Italics are the voice of Inspector Gregson of Homicide.)

Deacon Dr. Fresh's deposition begins:

I arrived at 55 Mill Street in the Distillery District at approximately 5:20 PM, by taxi. It was already dark, and damnably cold, and I began to search for Building 4, the location of Gibsone Jessop Gallery where the Foster's Wine Event was taking place. It was getting damp, and I pulled my Inverness cape tightly about me in defense against the wretched chill. Call it a premonition if you like, but I shivered as I opened the door of the hansom cab and then the driver made an odd comment just as I was climbing down to the kerb. He said "Perfect night for a murder."

He said that to you?

I think so. But I didn't hear him clearly as his horse neighed at that moment. I suppose he might have said "Step carefully sir". He was very colourful though.

Are you saying he was a black fellow?

No, he was just colourful. You know...dressed in festive harlequin clothing as one sees so much these days.

Is that when you found the body?

No. I began looking for the gallery where the wine tasting was to take place. It was very deserted though, and I felt like I'd stepped into the 1880's, the era of the Whitechapel murders. It was especially eerie in light of the driver's comment when I paid him the 8 shilling fare.

What did he say then?

Hard to be sure, really, what with the noise of the wind. It was either "Try not to get your jugular vein slit, governor!", or it might have just been "Good night sir!"

What occurred next? Is that when you found the corpse?

No inspector. It took me awhile to locate building 4 as I mentioned. It was really quiet though. Just the sound of the wind and the usual cackling call from the prostitutes that one typically encounters in the Distillery District at that hour.

So what happened next?

Well...I was just turning the corner of one of those restored liquor buildings, and then I saw it.

What specifically?

There on the ground, next to a few rubbish bins was a decrepit old slag dressed in cheap black lace - she looked like a street walker with all that makeup - and she was crumpled in a heap with her throat slit from ear to ear.

Was there any blood you could see?

Well that's the strange thing. With such an affront to the throat, one typically expects to see a lot of both bright arterial and darker venous blood. Also, I would expect some degree of post-mortem lividity, depending of course on how long the corpse has been lying there. But there was none. No evidence of blood anywhere near the body at all.

How do you explain this?

Well...I knelt down under the gas lamp for a better look. That's when I realized I was looking at a burlap sack full of bottles that had been left next to the dustbins. It must have fallen over. Then the absence of blood made complete sense.

I'm sure it did. So you didn't see any dead bodies yet?

Not yet, no. Instead I found the gallery and was glad to get inside. I felt like it was a real relief getting indoors and all.

Because you knew there was a murderer about?

No, it was just a lot warmer inside.

Who was there at the Gallery?

Rama Zuniga, the woman who sent me the invite from Foster's Wine Estates Canada...Beppi from the Globe and Mail...Also Dean Tudor and Michael Pinkus, the wine writers, who were seated at a table crowded with glasses half-full of red liquid.

Are you referring to drinking different blood types?

No. Just some Californian and Australian red wines.

Californian reds. I thought Foster's ran the event...They're supposed to be Australian...

They did run the event, and they are an Australian Company. But Foster's handles some good Californian wine, including Beringer, among others. I quite liked the '05 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Chardonnay...

Because of the Stag's mythical connection to the horned god of witchcraft?

No, not at all. It was just a nice wine...but as I was drinking the super-mellow '03 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Cab Sauv, the California Connection suddenly hit home...

What did you realize?

I looked around the brick walls and at the smiling servers, all doing their best to act so natural, and I realized that the Zodiac killer's reign of terror was in San Francisco...California. He was never caught, was he?

No. He wasn't.

That's what I thought. And when you add the fact that Jack the Ripper was never caught either, it all started to make a terrifying sense. Another reign of terror, or in this case a "reign of terroir" was about to take place.

Is that when the murder happened?

No, not yet. More of the attendees kept arriving, and I began sampling some more of the wines with Dean Tudor and Michael Pinkus, including "The Grange", Australia's most famous red wine. Then things got both strange and dangerous.

How specifically did things get dangerous?

Well...Pinkus swirls his wine a little too vigorously. Think of a combination of a blender, a cement mixer, and that Rotor ride at the CNE. He wobbles it while he swirls, and he doesn't look at the glass either, because he's too busy talking. I couldn't help thinking that someone was going to get wine all over them.

Red wine...like red...blood...

Yes. And when you factor in the way the earth will wobble when the Mayan calendar ends on December 21st 2012, it all gets so terrifyingly clear. I noticed too that the walls were made of rather old granite. I couldn't help but think how dangerous one of those blocks would be in the hands of a killer. You'd just have to rip one out of the wall, approach a victim quietly and use it to smash in his brain pan.

Indeed. What was Tudor doing at this point?

The same thing he always does: eating... really, really well. He has a knack for finding the best food. It's almost supernatural. I mean, he'll pick up a piece from a rack of lamb and through some legerdemain, he manages to get 2 of them, stuck together. It's uncanny how he does this...

Are you saying he's a high-ranking Satanist who has sold his soul to the devil in return for some sort of occultic gustatory dining power?

No. I think he's probably just got big hands. Plus he's been to a lot of these events and knows how they work.

What happened next?

Well...I recall sampling some beautiful Wolf Blass Platinum Label Shiraz that tasted like pepper and blueberry juice. It was quite delicious. Just then, a man with glasses who must have worked for the gallery, glared at Pinkus and gave him a really dark look.

Are you saying the man with glasses was a black man?

No. He was just angry. I think he thought Pinkus was going to splash wine on the artwork. Did you ever see that movie where the man goes insane in an art gallery and splatters blood all over the paintings?

The Remains of the Day?

No, I can't remember the name of the film. Anyway, this would have been just like that if Pinkus' glass had been filled with blood and he'd been swirling even harder and had managed to get past the staff and stand really close to the paintings. It struck me as being an incredible coincidence...

The film you're referring to...Were there lions in it that wandered away and then came back?

No...I think that was Born Free.

So what occurred next?

Well like I said, I was sipping this incredible Wolf Blass Platinum that probably goes for forty pounds a bottle, and I began to feel really dizzy. Everything began to spin and I saw Pinkus grinning at me through a shimmering miasma of purple and black.

So Michael Pinkus is a coloured chap?

No the miasma was purple and black. I remember thinking just before I lost consciousness that this was the end. I recognized the unmistakable symptoms. I'd been slipped laudanum and would be found in the alley with my own carotid severed, surrounded by Zodiacal symbols, written on the ground in chalk.

But you didn't die...

No. It turned out that I wasn't even blacking out. I'd just consumed a lot of wine and was feeling it a bit when we walked around the room. But then it happened...

What happened?

More and more people kept arriving and there were a lot of canapes circulating, and a huge amount of high-cholesterol cheese - brie and such - on the table. It suddenly struck me that in such a crowd, if the Ripper was present and was carrying one of the skewers from the tikka chicken and had dipped the tip in cyanide or ricin, he could easily mingle and stab people at his leisure. By the time we noticed people collapsing around us in agonizing death throes it would be too late and he'd get us all. At this point, I took to standing with my back to the wall to better defend against a ricin attack.

Is that when the murder happened? Did the killer use this moment to strike?

No. Although a very frightening thing happened just then. Pinkus had taken to swirling his wine even more violently and I suddenly noticed a man staring downward, but in Pinkus' direction. He was holding a Taser, getting ready to shoot him. I grabbed a metal tray from a waiter and thrust it between them to deflect the high-voltage darts.

But he must have missed Pinkus though, because he's unharmed.

Yes, he's actually fine. It turns out it wasn't a Taser at all. It was just an old-style cel phone and the man was staring at the keypad as he made a phonecall. He just happened to be facing Pinkus at the time.

So what happened then?

Well...it was getting a bit stuffy and so Pinkus and I decided to go for a beer and some food - you know; a sit down dinner. There'd been a lot of great appetizers and the event was a huge success, but it was just time to leave. On our way out, the organizers gave us each a black paper bag with some items in it. A sharp corkscrew, a Christmas CD, a small plastic penguin and a bottle of red wine. It was all very Gothic and terrifying. Especially the black bag. I kept thinking of charred bodies and dental records. Then I realized that all the attendees would get identical "gifts" and we'd have 60 drunken wine fanatics, wandering the Distillery District in the dark with miniature, symbolic black body bags containing razor-sharp corkscrews and plastic penguins. I had a really horrible feeling about the way the evening was headed.

What about Dean Tudor?

Well...he was still eating...a lot...but I thought he'd join us for dinner.

But he flatly refused?

Yes. I remember thinking how extraordinary it was that he'd eat continuously from 2 PM, but then wouldn't come out for dinner.

How did he seem? Frightened?

No, not frightened. More...preoccupied. Like he had another appointment...an appointment that he couldn't talk about...It was very odd.

What about Michael Pinkus?

He was all for dinner and really went out of his way to make Dean welcome. You know...we wanted him along. He's got a tremendous sense of humour. He can be quite dark!

Are you stating for the record that Dean Tudor is a black man?

No... He's white...I think he's related to the Kings of England...Henry the Eighth, I think...

Where did he go?

Well...The three of us headed out into the night...into the dark... As we made our way through the damp, cobbled streets, naturally I was on full alert. In the pocket of my Inverness, I cradled my Webley Break-Top revolver. If the Ripper and Zodiac were creeping about, I was going to go out in a blaze of glory. That's when the three of us, walking together through the cold wind, suddenly reached the crossroads.

Like Robert Johnson. The black chap who sold his soul to the devil to be able to play the blues?

No. Just the crossroads of Mill Street and Trinity. Then we found the Mill Street Brewery. Michael Pinkus said something about us being the three musketeers. I jokingly said something like: Yeah, Mickey, D'Artagnan, and Darth Vader. It seemed hilarious after all that wine.

What about Tudor?

That's when we separated ways. There was a sprinkle of snow in the air and a snowflake made my eye tear as Dean walked away into the darkness. I can still hear his feet clattering on the cobblestones. I never saw him again.

That's when he was murdered?

No...I expect he just went home on the streetcar. Lucky thing really, when you consider what a bloodbath it could have been.

Thank you for your testimony.

My pleasure, Inspector Gregson. Always glad to help the police.

Those Amazing Szabos...and more!

Rejoice! Your Deacon has returned!

And on such an auspicious occasion (being yet another brilliant update) it is incumbent upon Yours Truly to begin this posting with a more traditional greeting aimed at the "usual shower" of gainsayers who complain about the use of argot:

Toss my caber!

...and so the wonderful madness begins...

As I write this, I'm listening to Emerson Lake and Palmer's Tarkus. How many of you are old enough to remember that one? I was looking through my enormous music collection for something appropriate and in lieu of Bela Bartok settled upon the current excellent choice. And in the usual celebration of AC/DC, which fills my every waking thought, I've added a picture of another celebrant, entirely appropriate for this posting.

How about those frickin' Szabos? Now I know I should have gotten this posting out sooner, but unlike most people in the wine industry, I actually have a job and life outside of wine, and it keeps me away from time to time. But "better nate than leather", right?

A few weeks back, your humble Deacon attended an absolutely amazing Hungarian Wine event, The Tokaj Renaissance at Chez Victor at the Hotel Le Germain. Now if you never get out of Keswick, you'll never get to highly lurch events at places as cool as this. (And if you are in Keswick, put the frickin' snowmobile away for 10 minutes and pay attention!) About 40 of us were lounging around and as the rain poured hypnotically outside, John and Zoltan, the brilliant (but unrelated) Szabo brothers taught us all about the wonderful whites of Hungary. It was really cool, as we hung out with some homeys from the Hungarian Consulate and sampled some excellent wine, including a Dry Furmint, that I really liked. John was entirely up to scratch of course, expounding effortlessly on all the nuances of Hungarian wine, with Zoltan throwing in his comments and translating everything into "Transylvanian". Think of Jim Morrison channelling Bela Lugosi, and you'll get the idea. One of the Powerpoint slides said the wine was bottled in March, although they'd used the French word. Naturally I jumped all over this and asked the mock serious question:

Don't you think the winery could save a lot of money by bottling it on earth instead of shipping it to Mars?

This resulted in the usual gales of hilariously appreciative laughter that always results when someone actually gets my comic genius.

The wines were all excellent and I learned interesting facts, for instance: Tokaj is the place and Tokaji is the wine made there. I took all my usual notes in my peculiar but useful combination of Koine Greek and Japanese to stop the peckers from reading over my shoulder and getting the jump on my thoughts. The only problem is, although I write both of those languages quite well, I can't actually read either of them, so all my notes are essentially useless after the fact.

As John and Zoltan continued their brilliant and often comedic tag team explication, I noticed a motion in my peripheral vision. It was my ace homeboy, Michael Pinkus, without whose presence, wine events are essentially devoid of hilariously obscene jokes. He had been attempting to get my attention by gesturing toward me in a fairly vulgar and vaguely Italian fashion, and with the pump thus primed, he was off and running...

Then the tables were cleared and moved aside and we began sloshing around in gorgeous whites, while the extremely attentive staff prepared to serve us lunch. Dean Tudor was there too, and we hooked up with Pinkus for lunch and the frivolity continued as we raved over the Szabos' presentation and the wines they'd selected for us. Naturally, chef David Chrystian's food was unbelievable! Berkshire Pork Terrine with Apricot Gel, Braised Lamb Shank "Paprikash" served with bell peppers, glazed pearl onions, stewed tomatoes and gnocchi....etc., etc., etc. The Deaconess feeds me well, but this was a meal fit for Vlad the Impaler! We ended with a 1999 Aszuesszencia, Pajzos (try and say that 3 times fast after a couple of 8 balls of crack!) This wine actually sells for 500 Euros for a 200 ml. bottle at the winery. I'm not making this up. It was the best sweet wine I've ever had. And at that price, it damn well better be! I ordered a couple of cases...I also want to mention the phenomenal work of Chez Victor's GM/Sommelier Mark Moffatt who's yet another frickin' star! Madame Germaine ought to give him and David Chrystian a raise, based on their sterling skills.

Kudos to the amazing Szabos for another entertaining and enlightening event. If you EVER get a chance to check out one of their wine seminars, DO IT! I'm serious when I say that nobody does it better. You'll have a blast and you'll learn a lot. Thanks John and Zoli. Your Deacon lubs you.

Now let's talk Christmas gifts...We've already had some of the white stuff, and it's snowed too! Hahaha I CRACK me up...

Here's the recommended 3 gifts for this year, and you can get them all at Chapters or Amazon.com.

Billy's Best Bottles Wines for 2008

If you haven't bought this yet, you're either an idiot or a complete bastard or both! Billy does a great job of making wine simple, approachable and a helluva lot of fun. You can shove this book in your back pocket and take it to the LCBO with you like I do. This year, all the photos are in colour too, making it real easy to find exactly what you're lookin' for. Food and wine pairings, touring the County, great Niagara wineries, it's all here. At the end of 2008 you throw it in the trash and get the newest volume. It's inexpensive and pays for itself on your first visit to the liquor store. I read it cover to cover in one sitting, it's that interesting. Buy it! You'll love it. You can get it directly from Billy and Kato at Billy's Best Bottles. There's a discount too, if you buy in bulk like I do. These books make great corporate gifts and stocking stuffers, but most of all, remember to buy one for yourself! You heard me...

Another excellent book that you'll love is The Definitive Canadian Wine and Cheese Cookbook. This is by Tony Aspler and Gurth Pretty. As the publishers say:

Distinctive cheeses, their sources and matchings. When a cheese connoisseur and an authority on wine pair up, beautiful things can happen. This is certainly the case in The Definitive Canadian Wine and Cheese Cookbook. Gurth Pretty is the author of The Definitive Guide to Canadian Artisanal and Fine Cheese, and Tony Aspler is an international wine consultant and the author of numerous books on wine. Together, these authorities have produced the essential guide to Canadian cheese uses.

Another thing that is screaming to be on your Christmas gift list is Chotzi Rosen's amazing wine game: Cork Jester's Wine Teasers. It's a great game for any size group and is easy to play. It'll teach you about wine too, if you're not against edjukashun. Chotzi's only gonna give you the real deal, so you can be sure this game rox! Build your own cellar while raiding the other player's bottles! It's designed so anyone can play it with a chance of winning, whether you're a brilliant wine genius like me, or just Robert Parker. Click on the link to get more info. I've already ordered it, because I want it in time for Christmas.

Tune in soon for my Australian Wine Update!

OK. I gots to split for a Fosters Wine Event in the Distillery District with the Deaconess.

Y'all stay lurch!

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Smarter than plants

The Contest Winners!!!

Greetings Friends and Peckers!

The votes are in and the winners have their tickets by now. I'm speaking, of course, of my brilliant dinner party contest I ran back in October, the Grand Prize being a pair of tickets for the Gourmet Food and Wine Expo.

Here are our winners:

Derek Thorne, Helen Crowe, Rob Harvie, and Rob Lockhart.

Congratulations from the Deacon!

And for all of you who look like this Munch picture because you're so shocked you didn't win, here's an explanation: Although I received over 100 submissions to the contest, some of you received an immediate disqualification for having any of the following on your list:

Bono, Mariah Carey, Britney Speers, Paris Hilton, or Hitler.

All of the winning entries showed imagination and creativity, including such luminaries as Nimrod from the book of Genesis (Derek Thorne), Hildegard von Bingen (Rob Lockhart), Ezra Pound (Helen Crowe), and Marshal McLuhan (Rob Harvie).

Thanks to Kimberly Calderbank from the Gourmet Food and Wine Expo for providing the prizes!

Look for the next and very overdue issue "Those Amazing Szabos Again!".

It'll be out soon.

I'm flyin' out the door to the Expo VIP event as I speak...

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Better than Bob Barker