Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Friday, January 20, 2006

First Report From Our Kalifornia Konnexion!

Yo Yo Yo Kanadian Krackahs!

His Excellency the Lurchman Deacon Dr. Fresh has condescended to grant Rozeen Diego an OK-shun-ell column in the Lurchest online Winofest of all time!

So today I gots to first of all letchall know that Taco's funeral went real lurch. Here's the link to the story regarding his untimely death:


The Deacon was right. Once we got into the Shiraz, we stopped missin' him and by bottle 18 we started dissin' him for the dumb, peckerjacker crackerwoodpile dirtbag he really was. Even his frickin parents said he was a mofo and deserved to die! So thanks Dr. Fresh for making the funeral more fun than a Greek wedding! (I'll get Shasta and Bevalante to take care o' ya next time you's in L.A.)

So here we are in Kalifornia - the land of Napa, Sonoma and frickin' Sideways. Man I hated that jank film! I was trashin Mer-effin-low before those wannabees ever even heard of it! I just moved to South Central from San Diego and am writin' this update from the computer at Jefferson Street Public Library, while Dazz and Wrecker keep an eye on my borrowed 4 x 4. You gotta frickin' nail your ride to the damn parkin' lot if you're gonna be more than 5 minutes. And here's the thing I don't understand about this state: How come it costs about 3 bucks for a bottle of Chardonnay, but 20 bucks for a sandwich with a bag of tortillas? I don't get it.

Now for my first issue, I wanna report on an event that will take place at the Glendale Hilton tomorrow. It's called the Explosion of New World Wine. I'm gonna go and and check in the hotel tonight before the event in preparation for my attendance. Did you know you can stay in a major hotel for free? I do it all the time. You just walk in with a briefcase you just jacked and act like you own the place. Then you head to the convention level where they always have coffee and food left over on those long draped tables. You slip under the security cameras and slide under a table when no-one's around. Then you have a nice little tent and you set up camp with some desserts and grab some pillows and stuff off of one of the housekeeping carts. In the morning you shower in the fitness club and tour the halls lookin' for breakfast croissants and toast, laid out for the peckerwoods attendin' various seminars!

So I'm headin' out to Glendale soon and will keep y'all apprised as to my first event I'll be reportin' for the Deacon's newsletter. I'll write a trenchant review of wass happenin' here on the West Coast.

Latah Krakahs!


Special correspondent for His Grapeness Deacon Dr. Fresh


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