Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Best Wine Before a Lengthy Prison Term!

Greetings All and Sundry!

Today your humble Deacon's gonna be answering some of the questions y'all axed in the last few days. Let's start with this one from close to home.

Yo Deacon! Love your stuff! Do you really teach British Jiu Jitsu? Can I learn it? - Daniel V. - Toronto

You bet your jockstrap Daniel! The Deacon teaches most Wednesday nights with the Lurch Legionaires: Dave "Peppy" Duhaime, Chris "Polish Power" Umiastowski and the Deacon's protege and bodyguard, Adam "The Sadist" Sutherland. We lurk near Kingston Road and Victoria Park. Send me an email and I'll get Adam to connect with you. Then you can learn a system that really works; not one of those "Let's leap 30 feet in the air and kick him in the head, even though we're in an elevator, martial arts systems." This be the lurch deal, Jack! Come check us out.

Dear Dr. Fresh: Do you like any New Zealand Pinot Noirs? Your fan - Gloria Denham, Ottawa

Gloria: If you'd been payin' attention instead of wasting your brain-cells watching Oprah and Canadian Idol, you'd know that the Deacon's been watchin' the N.Z. Pinot for some time. Go grab a bottle or two of the 2004 Oyster Bay Marlborough Pinot Noir. I tried it the other night at a family dinner and it was well worth the coin, despite it's apparent youth.

And finally:

Yo Deacon! Wasssssuppppp!!!!

I needs your wine assistance yet again. Last night my homey Delmonico was fillin' up with a little free gas at a 24 hour service station. Well some pecker-water alerted The Man and they roared over from the Dunkin' Donuts and hit Delmonico with a TASER and threw him in the lockup. Now that's not so bad, but Delmonico's a pacifist. He over-reacted when they tried to take him down and shot a couple of bystanders as sort of a protest against violence and police brutality. Now the muh-fuh is goin' away to do big time. Bevalante, Shasta and Ejaculine are real upset about this and want to take him a goin' away gift. Can you recommend a bottle of the best that would be appropriate for a brother facin' Manson-length time? - Rozeen, San Diego

Rozeen: Poor Delmonico! My heart goes out to you, Bro. Sometimes you do everything right and you still get hosed down. There's a real life-lesson here: Crime does not pay...unless you're more heavily armed than they are. You should always carry the heaviest weapons possible. A TASER aint no match for a Heckler and Koch MP5. Anyone who thinks it is, should bring a TASER and try to break into Fresh Mansion and see what frickin' happens... Anyway, I digress...There's only one wine for Delmonico's Goin' Away Forever Party. Tell the ladies to take him a bottle of Ca' Del Solo Big House Red. It's beefy and lurch and will go through him like a hot car!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Arms Dealer to the Wine Community


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo… ‘ssup, my brother?

Just wonderin’ how to get the Deacon a copy of my brand new CD, ‘Beulah Land’ which is poised and all a-frickin’-quiver, hopin’ for his Lurch testimonial.
Now, if the Deacon feels Ah’s a bit short of sub-stantiation, his peeps kin axe around about me. Dan Speck, His Eminence Charles Baker (the only wine weasel in Ontario who can drive to the hoop with either hand), Karen LaVigne, Anton Potvin, Beppi Crosariol, Dan Vollway, Peter Bodnar Rod, John ‘Smooth’ Szabo… and just bout any dog who saw me at the Hillebrand Blues Fest in August will testify to my repletion in every aspect, ‘cept puh-haps melanin. But dat’s not my fault. Axe dem.
Ah think the Deacon will find ‘Beulah Land’ much closer to his stated love of ‘blues guitar’ on the man’s profile page than the avowed - and, methinks (which is Ye Olde Cracker fer ‘I s’pose’), somewhat tongue-in-wine-stained-cheek - forelock tug to Yngwie. Yet, is dat not the beau-tay of the human condition: unapologetic conflict within the frickin’ cranial fermenter? Ah thought so.

Listen, dog… Ah’m enjoyin’ the Deacon’s partick-ular view of the bidness here in the Still-Great-But-Not-So-White-North.
Y’all keep up wit’ da Big Throwdown.

Peter Boyd
The Swayin’ Sommelier

P.S./ Puh-haps some day we kin exchange displays of personal power. For a demonstration of British Jiu Jitsu, ah would be honoured to offer up some of the Secrets of Samoan Cheesemaking, with an emphasis on Mauna Loa Muenster, secret weapon to the stars.

10:38 AM  

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