Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Debris still falls from 2007 Ontario Wine Awards!

Yo Ho Ho

Ha Ha Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Greetings All and Sundry! In the names of Bacchus, Tony Aspler, and by the power of Ontario Ice Wine:

I greet you all!

And to all the usual shower of riff-raff, all of you pumpkin headed, Buffalo shopping, comedically impoverished, uber-serious DIX out there, many of whom actually attended the extravaganza...

Bite me crank!

Let's start by sayin' the Awards were a blast! Tony was flyin' in from Portugal and we had zero time to rehearse, but he did his usual fine job, playing Dr. Jekyll to the Deacon's Mr. Hyde...

This being a black tie event, your humble Deacon arrived in his usual haute couture, seen with a fan in the papparazzi photo above. (Look how cut that frickin' arm is!) Entering to "Thunderstruck" your Deacon gladhanded the room, high fivin' my homeys, including Zoltan and John Szabo. I began with my now famous proclamation that was picked up by the National Post: "I declare Niagara on the Lake to be a Yellowtail Free Zone!" This was greeted with warm applause, and for those of you who couldn't afford to attend, here are some of my most brilliant lines of the evening:

"Icewine has put Canada on the map!" (applause)
"And no-one makes better icewine than Ontario!" (wild applause)
"And no-one makes more Ontario icewine...than the Chinese!" (confused applause)

At the end of the evening your Deacon said:

"Don't be in a big rush to get back to your rooms. Hang around for a while and visit. This is Niagara on the Lake, not Viagara on the Lake, so don't be in a big hurry to start boppin' in the beater!"

and then:

"The judging of these awards was done under the scrutiny of Price Waterhouse who ensured everything was above board. And I swear by Billy Munnelly's liver, and the $2,000.00 cash in this envelope that these awards were not fixed!"

When your Deacon exited the stage to the AC/DC song, "Money Talks", the crowd leapt to their feet and began clapping in time with the song. This of course led to some mofo crackerdick thinking it would be a great time to shut the music off, leaving the audience in confused silence. I don't know who it was...but it wasn't the soundman Mark, who did a great job and was under Deaconic instructions to let the song play to the end.

So the evening was a mix. There were my homeys, like John and Zoltan Szabo, Doug Beatty, Tony Aspler, Sadie Darby, Jono Kuhling, Suzanne Janke, Lindsay Groves, John Maxwell and a host of others who still possess that rarest of traits, a sense of humour. Your Deacon thanks you. It seems at least some of you remembered that when you ask the Deacon to Host, you ain't gonna get Snora Jones, who I'm sure they'll be gettin' next year...

Now you might recall that I always go on and on about peckerdines and crackerwater mofo DIX who just don't get it, but keep tuning in... Well clearly, some of you still don't get it, even though you were at the awards, so I'm going to explain what the Deacon is all about, and let the dirty little secret of the wine industry out of Pandora's Box, releasing the Furies...

The horrible and unmentionable secret of the wine industry that the super-serious frozen faced intelligentsia don't want you to know is...

It's only grape juice.

That's right. It's only effing grape juice!

The Jester has just pointed out that the Emperor has no clothes.

That's what the Deacon and this blog are all about. And note that this in no way besmirches the totally kool and dedicated winemakers and fine wineries in this great industry. Your Deacon is always there for you.

But let's lighten up a bit.

And if you were there, and were offended by anything I said or did, please realize that was not my intent. If my comments or actions caused you any discomfort or anger, by undermining the dignity of these awards, please permit me to quote Nikola Tesla, and say:

Bite my rich red wire!

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Because Ideas are Bulletproof


Anonymous Dean Tudor said...

You do sound like you had a great time, Deak...Good write up!!

10:47 PM  

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