Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Deacon's Male Bag, and More!

Yo Ho Yo Ho a Wine Gangsta's Life For Me!

Wassup Homeys? It be me once again, spreadin' joy and good cheer and neck-crankin' everyone who's stupid enough to test my mettle; in or out of the vineyard!

A special hello to all my fanz and frenz and a real big jank "Wassup?" to all you semi-retarded, itchy bagged, spangle-dusted, coat-hanger disentanglin',
vaccinated peckerdines, who don't know jack about jack, but keep tunin' in to my rich ramblin's, none-the-less!

Now I got's to start the ignition with the followin' announcement that's got the wine world in a spin:

Your humble Deacon just won the Most Irreverent Wine Writer Award, in the Globe and Mail's City Bites Magazine Jeers and Cheers, as listed on page 25! Y'all check it out. They even give a link to this blog's address. Thanks to the Hungarian Mafia for knowin' kwality when they see it! The Szabo Boyz have been real lurch and helpful to His Excellency and are too kool for words.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Now some of you are wonderin' if I'll be at the Food and Wine Expo in Toronto this weekend, and the Deacon is happy to announce that he will be attendin'! Your humble Deacon will arrive at opening bell today, with the Deaconess in tow, so all you papparazzi can get your lenses ready! Now let's get to the Male Bag!

Dear Dr. Fresh:

I read everything you write, and need some advice. I'm going to be in Florida for a few days and am going to be purchasing some wine; mostly Oregon and Washington State Pinot Noir, at a wine shop near where I'm staying. Can you give any recommendations? How should I ship it?


Donny Brookes, Toronto

Donny: Your humble Deacon loves his Pinot! Here's some Oregons you oughta try:

Silvan Ridge 2003 Willamette Valley. And be sure to check out Foxy Rock 2004, also from Willamette Valley in Oregon.

Another one I like is Rex Hill Vineyard 2004.

Y'all check it out. It's real easy to ship your juice back to T.O. Just take it to UPS and label it "Gift". On the place on the label where it asks for "contents" just write the following:

"Do not open for postal inspection. This box does not contain explosives or firearms." That should get it through ok.


Yo Deacon! I was in Niagara yesterday and guess who I ran into? Captain Frickin' Kirk! He was comin' out of Blackbird Estates Winery with a big smirk on his face. What's that all about?

T. Triggs, Kingston

Yo Triggs:

Sounds like the mofo just bought another winery. I'm gonna have to deal with this peckercracker...


Hey Deacon! Wassup? Love your work, Bro. I need some info though. I saw this big magnet thing online the other day and it's supposed to make your wine taste smoother. Is this a scam, or do these things work?

Dean, Las Vegas

Yo Dean! Yes they work. As crazy as it sounds, it will smooth out the flavour of your tannic reds, although I don't notice much change in whites. Last year, your humble Deacon tested the Flav-O-Ring wine magnetizer with my homey, Dr. Flames Fishboy. We ran some inexpensive Bad Dog Red through the magnetic field. Bingo! It immediately tasted softer and less harsh. We even double-blinded the test, and it still won. Then last Tuesday, Tony Aspler and his lovely wife Deborah braved the darkness and drove into the heart of Scarlem to dine at Fresh Mansion. Tony put the magnet through its paces and yes, it's official. It even works on mineral water, instantly changing the size of the bubbles.

Well, thassall for now!

Later Homeys and Peckahs!

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Always dispensin' the news that counts...


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