Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Deacon's Male Bag!!!

Yo Crackahs! Yo Homeys! Yo Hoze!


And lest we forget:

How about a special Wassup? to all you fertilizer fragrance, Geographically ignorant, monkey-water drinkin', Harlequin-Troubador DIX who just don't get it, but are here readin', just the same!

Today we're gonna spend some kwality time answerin' the questions submitted by my loyal readers. Now remember: If you gots a wine question you need answerin', you can always email it to the L. Ron Hubbard of Wine, Deacon Dr. Fresh at:

Here's the first question of the day...

Dear Deacon: I love your website and your advice is fantastic! My question concerns Yellowtail. What do you think about it? - Kirstie S. Chatham, Ontario

Good Question Kirstie! I think Yellowtail is fantastic! Especially if you love peckerjank, mofo, crackerpecker, penus-water wine! In my humble (but correct) opinion, Yellowtail Chardonnay tastes like a chemistry set, while Yellowtail Shiraz tastes like rum and coke. There are way better inexpensive wines out there. I recommend you buy Billy Munnelly's excellent book for some very nice replacements as soon as the 2007 issue comes out.

Here's his website to purchase it:

Dear Dr. Fresh: Are you just the lurchest dude out there? Thanks for rescuing wine from the crackers and dix! - Suzanne J. Niagara-on-the-Lake

Yes Suzanne. I am the lurchest of all.

Dear Dr. Fresh: I'm having ribs tomorrow and need a good red. What pairs best with ribs? Should I go with Cab Franc? - J. Samarthwani Brampton, Ontario

No, no, a billion times no! With ribs, always go with a good California Zinfandel. The jammy quality will go really lurch with the barbecue flavours.

Yo Babe: I'm really stressed-out that I wasn't chosen as the Deacon's Wine Babe of 2006, but Doris whatsername beat me. I think I should be runner-up at least! (Pictures enclosed) - Jennifer "Chotzi" Rosen Colorado

Yo Chotzi! Great pix! What say we just call you the lurchest American Wine Babe?

Dear Deacon: A homey o' mine just took a 9 mm slug in the back of his leg. What's the best wine to help him out? - Rozeen Diego, President for Life, South Central Wine Posse Los Angeles, California

Rozeen: Gotta go with the Yellowtail. Wash the wound out well once you get the cap out of there. But whatever you do, don't drink it!

Well, that's all for today. Remember:

You can always write to the Deacon....

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Winemaster of the Octagon
Neck-crankin' the mofos and crackerpeckers so you don't gots to!


Blogger Derek said...

Dear Dr. Fresh,

A good friend and I are having a dispute about bottle sealing methods. He's a cork bigot who says if they start selling wine with screw caps, they might as well sell it in Tetra-Paks. I pointed him to Coyote's Run's excellent justification for screw caps, but he still won't listen.

I am therefore calling on the sage counsel of those wiser than I in the ways of winemaking. Would you advise a bitch-slap followed swiftly with a key-locked blood choke, or an elbow to the cheek leading into a neck crank?

(Because as we say in Trinidad: who don't hear, must feel.)

10:24 PM  
Blogger Deacon Dr. Fresh said...

Well Derek, if your homey's a cork bigot he's a crackerbigotpeckerwater and don't know jack about jack, but probably knows a lot about crack!

Don't blood-choke the mofo. Just neck-crank him.


11:28 AM  

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