Turino Olympic Opening Ceremony Sux Bigtime!!!

Yo Homeys, Crackers and Sports Fans Everywhere!

Right upfront let me tell you that I always love the Olympics. I love the pageantry, the slogans, the colour, the blood-doping, the wondering whether Osama Bin Laden will show, and the general festivities. The Olympics, both summer and winter are a huge deal at Fresh Manor. The Deaconess and I always grab a bottle of bubbly and a big tray of assorted finger-foods and settle in for the long haul while the rest of you mofos are at work bein' Type A Driven Lunatix.

Today we did our usual and opened a bottle of Remy Pannier Sparkling Chardonnay, served along with Middle Eastern treats from Arz Bakery, such as olives, hummus, bread and pastries. Now to let you know where this is headed, I think that the Eye-Ties should have spent less on security and a lot more on production values, rehearsals and actual content. These opening ceremonies sucked big-time and were Jank with a capital "J". What the fying fluck were these mofos thinking? I just watched 4 hours of the most pointless drivel I've ever seen.

Brian Williams is obviously obsessed with the whole NHL / Wayne Gretsky gambling thing and can't stop frickin' talkin' about it. He goes on to wonder if it will stress out the athletes of the world so much, worrying about Wayne and Janet, that they'll be unable to concentrate and put in a mediocre performance.

Hey Brian: The only person who's stressed-out by this and whose performance is being negatively impacted is YOU! Stop talkin' about it! It's the Olympics, for cryin' out loud.

The opening show was so all over the map, flat and pointless, that it's hard to critique it adequately. The whole arena was shaped like an enormous police badge (!?) and the festivities began with a bunch of people sticking their hands and feet through it, as though they were doing synchronized swimming; which in case you haven't noticed, has ZERO to do with the Winter Olympics. Some other crackers made a huge figure of a skier that was supposed to look like he was jumping, but since it took forever to get everyone moving into position, by the time it was said and done, I'd already figured where it was all going, and lost interest. Then a bunch of skinny people in white leotards wobbled across the arena with GIANT white balloons fixed to their heads, as though they'd been attacked by Rover from the 1967 TV show "The Prisoner". The Parade of athletes was incredibly bland and annoying; the entire event overlayed by completely inappropriate 1970's American disco music. It's not as though they haven't had time to put a soundtrack together! The crackers have known the starting date for years and yet it seemed as though they'd hired DJ Disco-Jank Rocco at the last minute. And the athletes national garb...What has happened to fashion? I love watchin' the parade because the Mongolians always look so frickin' Mongolian in their Mongolian hats, but even they couldn't rescue it for me. The low moment had to be the women from the Bellorusse contingent, who were dressed like disenfranchised, refugee, bag-ladies fleeing an invading Panzer Division. And speaking of the Germans...they were eye-slashingly, brilliantly garbed in green and orange, which was a welcome change from the mediocre quality of most of the uniforms. The Americans are now dressed by Roots and decided to wear Canada's costumes from a previous Winter Olympics. Some moronic teams apparently forgot all about the 20 million colour palette our eyes can discern and opted for sensible beige. A pleasant diversion came from America's Rottweiler, Great Britain, who actually dressed in Don Corleone-style, black fedoras and long black overcoats in a cheerful nod to the host nation. As usual, Britain's brilliant humour was lost on the mofos commenting.

The Italians did look the best in fur-trimmed metallic garb, which only served to emphasize the jejune lack of quality in the other mofos' outfits. We suffered through more terribly dated songs, including James Brown's "I feel good", and an Italian version of "Gloria" which propelled the festivities securely into the "who cares and best forgotten" file. Talk about Jank!

The show went on and on, with huge cows and mountains pulled around the field to more un-memorable music. Some peckerwood pranced around with a red plastic Mohawk and a white body-suit with stapled-on veins and arteries. Then a bunch of roller-bladers with fire roaring out of their heads came out...and then left again... Some acrobats in white hung on a giant peg-board and attempted to form a Dove of Peace with soft wings, which unfortunately looked a lot more like a pouncing American Eagle with enormous talons...Then Yoko Ono showed up (why?) and told us to "Just think peace" and it will happen. Well you can't make things like that occur by just wishing. There's millions of people worldwide who've been wishing Yoko would go away for years and she's still here. Then Peter Gabriel sang a lackluster version of John Lennon's "Imagine", but at least we didn't have to suffer through the usual photo-op appearance by that lubricious, political sycophant, Bono.

You got's to understand; I'm a connoisseur of Opening Ceremonies. This stuff matters to me! When you have billions of dollars and years to prepare, a bland performance is simply unacceptable. One brief redeeming moment was the lighting of the cauldron, which was right up there with the flaming arrow of a previous year. The torch was touched to a receptacle by three-time skiing gold medalist Stefania Belmondo. The fire flamed and roared around a circle and up the tower in an extremely lurch moment. But that one moment out of 4 hours was not sufficient.

Pavarotti, looking a lot like a painted hand puppet (despite the fact that he's lost 270 lbs. and is still the size of a Fiat) emerged next, only to blatantly lip-sync one of his celebrated arias. Some CBC commentator evidently thought his own microphone was off too, and was heard to say "He's not singing that!"

I hated it all and took to lying on my side on the couch feeling ill and disappointed, while the Deaconess kept telling me I couldn't leave and had to sit up and watch the whole thing.

It sucked with a capital "UCK".

The Remy Pannier Sparkling Chardonnay was pretty good though...

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

Because wine is always better than sports