The dispute as to who is the Undisputed Lord of the Grape
is still being disputed! Many of my loyal readers have written, axing Yours Truly how the Million Dollar Nose
of Robert Parker
compares to the psychedelic Hendrix
attuned mastery of the Deacon's
own olfactory and gustatory powers. Here's a sample:
Dear Deacon Dr. Fresh: I love your brilliance, but am confused. Should I listen to you, or Robert "The Nose" Parker? Who's the top dog in the vineyard? - Stanley St. Catherines Ontario
Well Stanley, I'm tempted to send you to my other website, Wine for Dix
) but will restrain myself this once! Here's how you figure it out...
What does Nosey Parker know about Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Black Label Society or Throwdown? How many of Slash's guitar picks does he own? How many Rickson Gracie Brazilian Jiu Jitsu seminars has he attended? How many tattoos does Parker have? The answer to all of these incredibly telling questions is JACK! Why should we listen to him pontificate on wine? Has Parker ever looked lurch? I don't think so! In fact, if you look at the photograph, he actually looks pretty damn jank! And not just jank, but cracker-jank! I mean look at that collar! He looks like he's ready to receive your confession! Is he tastin' wine, or sayin' Mass? For all the above reasons, your beloved Deacon has no alternative but to challenge Robert Parker to a duel...
In the Octagon!
Here's the rules: Robert Parker must fight the Deacon in a classic No Holds Barred fight. Fish-hooking and eye-gouging are not permitted, neither are weapons. Each contestant must consume 2 litres of Australian Shiraz within 20 minutes of the bout. Each contestant is allowed one corner man. The fight will be 3 rounds of 10 minutes each. The victor can win by knockout, submission (triangle choke, kimura, etc.) or if the opposing corner throws in the towel. Parker can have Robert "Fume Blanc" Mondavi as his Second and the Deacon chooses the extremely lurch Billy Munnelly of Billy's Best Bottles as his own Second and Cut Man.
Parker has until Midnight, October 15th to confirm and arrange the weigh-in or forfeit's by default. The Winner will be automatically declared His Excellency President Dr. Wineman For Life.
Here's the prediction: If Parker agrees, it will end within 3 minutes of the first round. The Deacon will punch Parker's lights out, destroy his legs with Muay Thai kicks to the lateral femoral nerve, leg-sweep him and choke him on the ground. Let's see if Spike TV picks it up...
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Winemaster of the Octagon