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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Deacon Visits Keswick!!!

Greetings my dear friends. What a great experience this has been! After a number of humourless readers complained that I was constantly "trashing Keswick", I decided to check it out for myself, and had to admit I was wrong...Keswick is NOT a dull, cultureless wasteland. It's actually a thriving cosmopolitan mini-city, with no need to interact with the outside world at all.

Mayor John-David "Rick" Jeeter, seen in the photo with the Keswick District Health Officer and the World Junior Snowmobile Jump Champion, took me for a spin around the mini-city on the official Mayoral vehicle: an all-weather, curb climbing, luxury snowmobile, for a whirlwind tour of educational fun and thrills!

Here's what I learned:

Far from being cultureless, Keswick has its share of celebrities. Noted actor and comedian, Jim Carrey temporarily lived in a trailer in Jackson's Point, only a short drive from Keswick. Glen Toulin, the brilliant jew's harp and musical saw player once lived in Keswick for an entire summer, and 2 time Southern Ontario Crokinole Champion, the late Dave Ellings lived near Keswick all his life. The mini-city is very picturesque, with a marsh, a snowmobile parts dealer and a Seven Eleven that stocks everything you need, from white bread to dew-worms and snowmobile parts. Every winter, from October to May, the second largest snowmobile picnic in the world takes place out on Cooke's Bay. Only Kirkland Lake has a larger one! Here, local mechanics and parts dealers drink beer and tell hilarious stories about people crashing through the ice and washing up on the beach in June. There is a prize for the best decorated snowmobile, and the locals drink the favourite Keswick cocktail: hot chocolate and beer! If you've never had a hot cup of this gut warming potion, try it with a fresh chunk of bass on a slice of white bread. Then head up to the Stephen Leacock Theatre, which is being bulldozed to make room for the Dave Ellings Crokinole Arena. It's easy to find - just follow the line of make-shift snowmobile crash crucifixes and head north! And make sure you stick around for the Canadian Ice Fishing Championships!

Keswick also has a library, although it's technically in Jackson's Point. It's open every Wednesday, rain or shine, and here you can borrow perennial favourites, like The Dummy's Guide to Ski-doos or The Idiot's Guide to Snowmobile Crashes. Keswick's thriving nightlife is something you have to see to believe! His Worship took me for a ride down the Main Street sidewalk where we played "Scare the Senior" and then it was off to the late night butcher's shop to watch the new meat slicer in action. She's a lovely girl. Saturday mornings are spent recovering from Friday night's snowmobile crash, or simply polishing the Polaris with an appropriate wax from Canadian Tire. The big entertainment on Sunday is watching the traffic lights change. (It happens at noon, if you don't want to miss it.) The Keswick Congregational Church holds outdoor services all year, so you don't even have to climb off your all terrain vehicle or Snowjet!

Here are some fascinating Keswick facts:

Did you know...

  • Mary Dales at 82 is the oldest person in Keswick?
  • One of the houses in town is thought (by some) to be haunted?
  • More hot chocolate and beer is consumed per capita in Keswick than any comparable city?
  • There are an estimated 60 tons of snowmobiles on the bottom of Cooke's Bay?
  • Keswick has the highest person to book ratio on the planet?
  • The official game of Keswick is not ice hockey, but crokinole?
  • The Keswick Snow Collision Hospital has a first rate Testicle Trauma Ward?
  • Although Keswick is known primarily for "snowmobiles on the sidewalk", 87% of Keswickians own Jet Skis too?
As we roared East on Morton Avenue, leaving the frozen wasteland of Cooke's Bay behind, I could hear the gunning of engines and the occasional impact and stifled scream as the good folk of Keswick celebrated the beginning of the weekend, well into the early evening.

"It's a great town, Your Worship" I said to Mayor John-David "Rick" Jeeter, as I cradled the commemorative Dave Ellings Crokinole Set I'd been presented with at the Seven Eleven / Mayor's Office.

"No Deacon. It's a thriving cosmopolitan mini-city" he responded. I dismounted the luxurious, air conditioned, Arctic Cat Icebuster and stared across the bay where the bright headlight glare of the bulldozers indicated the razing of the Stephen Leacock Theatre had begun.

A thriving cosmopolitan mini-city?

Damn right it is.

So visit Keswick. Come for the morning and stay all afternoon. Come for the crokinole and stay for the five pin bowling. Keswick's open all year round, and it never sleeps...
And make sure you grab a mug of hot chocolate and beer, and a slice of bass on white sandwich bread. Tell them the Deacon sent you.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Supporting thriving cosmopolitan mini-cities everywhere


Blogger Dean Tudor said...

And so -- what grape varietals are grown and harvested in Keswick? Otherwise, it is of small interest to oenophiles.

4:19 PM  
Anonymous vmguy said...

Hilarious! It behooves me to see you giving the thriving cosmopolitan mini-city another chance. Very magnanimous of you, Deacon!

12:16 PM  
Blogger Deacon Dr. Fresh said...

Yo Dean!

Good question. Bite my wand.


11:59 AM  

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